5 Rules For Life: Intimacy Coach Kristin Casey

Kristin Casey is an intimacy coach, surrogate partner, and author who writes about addiction, dependency, sexuality, and relationships — her essays have appeared in the Foliate Oak Literary Magazine, The Nervous Breakdown, The Fix, From the Asylum, and $pread. Her new memoir, Rock Monster: My Life with Joe Walsh documents her tumultuous relationship with the legendary Eagles guitarist. In 2011 Krisitin was certified as a Holistic Lifestyle Coach at the Spencer Institute, and in 2016 she became a Surrogate Partner intern. She is trained and supervised by the International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA), a non-profit which was set up in 1973 to help people experiencing problems with intimacy and/or sexual function. She lives in Austin, Texas, where she is currently working on her next book, about the transformative power of attraction and chemistry. Here, she shares her 5 Rules For Life (plus a bonus one!), in her own words.
  1. It’s not what you do it’s how you do it. I know surfers, strippers, groupies, and Dead-heads who are living their best lives, with more presence, pleasure, and purpose than rock stars, tech bros, and millionaire CEOs. My biggest regrets in life are all about wasted time. I wish I’d thrown caution to the wind and pursued my passions sooner.
  2. Pursue your passions and the money will follow. Or perhaps the money will cease to matter! Okay, the money will never cease to matter, but pursue your passions anyway! The odds of finding success and fulfillment—emotional and financial—will be much higher.
  3. People will always treat you the way they see you treat yourself. If you consistently put their needs first, so will they. If they sense that their opinion of you dictates even a little of your self-worth, they will immediately think less of you, from that moment going forward. If you censor your authentic self and refuse to state your needs, people will assume that your needs are not a priority—and they wouldn’t be wrong, would they? (Think about it.)
  4. More than who you are or what you say, people will remember how you made them feel. The easiest gift in the world to give is a genuine heartfelt compliment. Sometimes, just asking a person about themselves is appreciated and validating. (Pro tip for introverts: approach socializing as a subtle fishing expedition. By the end of the evening, you’ll be the most popular person in the room, despite whether they know a thing about you, but because you got everyone else talking about themselves.)
  5. When people show you who they are believe them. If you pay attention, people will reveal the quality of their character in a million little ways. Discern who is worthy of your time and energy, then let them in and no one else. Never assume the best of someone right off the bat. Listen to your gut and stop ignoring little red flags. Reading people has been at the heart of every job I’ve ever had. I carried that skill into all my relationships—professional, romantic, platonic—which serves me well and keeps all kinds of drama at bay.

BONUS RULE:

  1. When in doubt, don’t. We all have weak spots, and one of mine used to be diplomacy. When I was right and you were wrong I didn’t hesitate to make it known. People love that, by the way. (People absolutely do not love that.) I finally learned to pause and breathe, choose my words and soften my tone. When in doubt, “save draft” and a good night’s sleep can be your best friends. Whether your weak spot is rushing too quickly into relationships and/or sex (been there) or impulsive designer shoe shopping (guilty as charged), remember: Pause, breathe, “save draft” and walk away from the computer.
 

Thanks, Kristin!

Stay tuned for more Five Rules installments.

 “Five Rules,” is a series on Rouge18 in which I ask others to share their five rules for life about anything and everything. You can learn a lot about a person by reading which five things govern their actions, no?

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