Fictionary: Thwin

Fictionary is a column showcasing beauty- and fitness-related words that don’t exist, but should.

I’d posit that everyone has a Thwin. I know because it comes up all the time amongst my friends. Lauren’s is Reese Witherspoon. Jackie’s is Snooki. Dina‘s is slim Kelly Clarkson. A Thwin is an amalgam of thin twin–the celebrity whose body type is most like yours when you’re at your most svelte. For me, it’s ’80s Kim Cattrall in Mannequin. She has an inch and a half on me, but when I’m at my most slender, our bods are very similar. I even know for sure, as she’s done tons of nude scenes during her Sex and the City years. And when she beefed up a bit in SATC The Movie, well, that bod has happened here, as well.

What I’m getting at, is that when you have a Thwin, sometimes it becomes impossible not to try to mimic other aspects of your Thwin’s grooming/fashion habits. I’ve always been completely besotted with Kim’s arms and shoulders. See how they SHINE? I’ve written no fewer than three posts about her shoulders already, but now I’m about to tell you about her smooth, sleek, completely hair-free arms. The hair equation for me can be, in the sage words of my gal Cat Marnell, “a terrible little math problem multiplying and dividing forever in your head that equates rather exactingly your own hotness with the rest of the world’s ability to love you.” My hair isn’t even dark, but ANY hair stops you from having REFLECTIVE limbs, which is always the goal. I’ve tried endless ways to get smooth, gleamy arms like my Thwin’s and none was so easy or yielded such aesthetically PLEASING results as Nair‘s new Spa Clay Body Cream. Behold:

Don’t be scared: It’s a depilatory you use in-shower. But GLAMBER, you must be saying to me in your head. HOW can I perform a guerrilla war on my arm hair with cream in the shower? Doesn’t it wash off before it does its job? NO. You apply it all over your arms using the smooth side of the sponge before you get in and wait one minute, then just sort of keep them from getting DIRECTLY in the line of the stream. If they get a bit wet, it’s okay; just don’t try to IMMERSE them. Wash it off after couple minutes using the bumpy side of the accompanying sponge and you’ll SEE the hair come off in little rolls. DISGUSTING yet SATISFYING, no? AND, the effect lasts a couple weeks. I vastly prefer it to at-home waxing with strips (it works, but takes forever and leaves me so sticky in teeny tiny areas) and obviously shaving arms is just bad idea jeans. Plus, it moisturizes with mango butter and acai berry. It doesn’t smell disgustor, but there is a hint of eau de depilatory that’s to be expected. The fruit ingredients help camouflage it and it’s far less strong than your garden variety cream.

The Nair Spa Clay Body Cream Hair Remover retails for $9 at sears.com.

In conclusion, the answer to Alicia‘s question “Do You Dream About Me?” is yes, as it refers to Emmy’s amazing arms in the epic motherf*cking montage in Mannequin.

And tell me: Who’s your Thwin? SHARE HOROWITZ. Go.

P.S. PLEASE vote for my proposed Zoya/Birchbox nail polish shade! http://bit.ly/wzabCS

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