Not so Worthy of a Crown: Queen Helene

Hello, all and welcome to February, my least favorite month of the year. The weather is terrible, the mandate of Hallmark is so caustically taunting you, WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE 14TH until the 15th, when it follows up in a most corporate-did-you-drop-the-ball manner, WHAT DID YOU DO ON THE 14TH? Side story: I saw this gentleman in his 40s on the subway a few days ago filling out 3 gaudy, enormous Valentine’s Day cards none of which were platonic. P.S. he had a wedding band on. Okay?

Anyway, Your hands are drier than dry, your hair is drier than dry, and that Punxatawny Phil of COURSE still hasn’t seen his shadow (I can’t remember the last time he did). It is not a coincidence that annually, I plan to spend at least a week of February somewhere warm. The way I see it, that is 1/4-1/2 of the month I can pretend it ISN’T February. Last year, inspired by my Laguna Beach gals, I journeyed to Cabo San Lucas and had a glorious time. This year, I’m off to Israel which I hope will also be fantastic.

So allow me to get to the point, because there is one and it’s beauty-related. Anticipating the impending February-ness, I decided to buy myself a hot oil treatment to use pre-vaca as I can’t get a haircut. (BTW, thank you all for so graciously reinforcing my decision not to stray from my stylist, Amy. You are so correct and I appreciate your comments as sometimes, I can be impulsive and throw months of hair growth out the window in favor of some instant split end gratification.) At Duane Reade, there is no V05, the brand of hot oil I usually purchase, so I buy some Queen Helene Cholesterol Hot Oil treatments. Now, I’m 90% sure that these are designed for women of African American descent, but as my hair is Sahara-dry, I think what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Not to mention the fact that I have used some products designed for these women before and have always been pleased with the results. So I use the treatment and notice that while it hydrates my hair, it’s on the greasier side and it still is just looking… rough. The next day, I am itching beyond BELIEF. On my chest, on my back, on my arms. GROSS. I seem to have some kind of allergic reaction to the product I have only applied to my HAIR and have washed out so how is it possible, that 4 days later, the rash STILL REMAINS? It’s so beyond disgusting. I’ve taken Clariton, Benadryl, nothing has helped. I don’t even have especially sensitive skin (when it comes to makeup and skin products) but I am allergic to laundry detergent other than All, and I seem to have the same symptoms as when I wash my clothes in Tide. Regardless, heed this warning if you have anything approaching sensitive skin… steer clear of Queen Helene.

This would never have happened in March.

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